: Elephant Stew : Recipe

This recipe won 3rd place in Better Huts and Pastures. Talk about yum!

Ingredients:

1 medium elephant
2 (50 gallon) containers broth

200 pounds of potatoes

50 pounds yellow onions

50 pounds stalks of celery

100 pounds carrots

100 pounds of barley
10 cups salt

30 bay leaves

50 dashes of black pepper

100 smidgens of cayenne pepper

*Garnish with basil, if desired.

* Yields 500 servings.

Directions:

1. Cut elephant into bite-size pieces. Best to use a chainsaw for the larger pieces until a manageable size can be chopped with a knife. This takes about 2 weeks. Throw away that part that is never wasted, and yet eaten by locals. You know what I'm talking about.

2. Meanwhile, chop up veggies into bite size pieces.
3. Using a lot of large kettles, simmer equal parts elephant and vegetables with enough broth to cover.

3. Bring soup to a boil, add spices and simmer for two days. Stir as needed.

4. Skim off any fat that floats to the top. It can be used for soap, cooking oil, lotion, and furniture stain remover. 

5. If you find that the meat is tough, trying eating it while standing on your head. Best eaten two hours before bed, mineral oil to follow. Enjoy!

~ Chasing The Rainbow ~

    When I was a little girl, I remember trying to find the end of a rainbow. It was a beautiful summer day, it had just rained and a radiant rainbow streaked the sky.

Some neighborhood kids and I set off on the adventure. We were going to find the end of the rainbow and the giant pot of gold waiting for our grubby mitts.

We ran. We giggled. We screamed with delight as we kept our heads to the brilliant sky. We could almost reach out and touch it, it was so close.

One by one as we ventured past our comfort zone in chasing the rainbow, we turned back with heavy hearts. We never found the end.

Today, I am still searching for my rainbow's end. Though, the adventure has changed slightly from that of a small child. The colors are ever still brilliant and that pot of gold is patiently still waiting.

Chase your rainbow, I'm chasing mine.

The Peach Clock Countdown ~ Continues

    I have sneaked, scampered, dodged, and climbed, but I bring you a picture of my awaiting treasure. Yes, my friends, the juicy morsel of forbidden peaches are near ready for pillaging.

Just a side note, this tree is loaded for bear! I cannot believe how many sweet temptresses that are on this fruit yielding tree. Have mercy! By the end of this week, victory shall be mine!

 

• Feeding The Monsters Under My Bed •

     When I was a little girl, I had a gaggle of hungry monsters living under my bed. During the night, if I got too hot I had to make the sacrificial decision of which leg to stick out. My left was always the lamb. They could eat my left but I needed my right, I have favorites.

As I got older, the monsters grew restless. A stronger defense was needed. I resorted to my stuffed animals. I created a Buffett line of defense with animals. Smaller ones would be on the outside, while the large ones would be next to my body.

By noshing their way through fluffy my fearless rabbit and monkey, my monkey, the monsters would hopefully would have had their fill and would spare me another night. That was the plan.

Lining both sides of my tiny body with these brave souls, I resembled a hotdog. The lieutenant of the barricade was my right hand bear, Pookie. Giving orders to the smaller furies, to stand strong, Pookie assured me everything was a go. With gratitude in my heart for the fearless dinner animals, I felt safe and secure. My plan was brilliant, my plan was inspired... my plan allowed me to finally get some sleep.

¦ Creature Of The Day ¦ Geryon

Geryon- in Greek mythology, he is often described as a monster with human faces. A monster having three head, six legs, and six arms.

Some Greek descriptions portray him with three bodies joined at the waist, while others describe him with wings.

Apart from these bizarre features, he is a warrior and owned a two-headed dog, which was the brother of Cerberus, and a magnificent herd of red cattle.

As the story goes Hercules fought Geryon in order to obtain his red cattle.

 

~ Now for a literary snippet. ~

 

 

     The battle had been tough and bitter. Fighting a young man with the strength of the gods, Geryon stood with sweaty limbs and defended his cattle.

 

On a quest to obtain the cattle, Hercules smote bravely at the large monster. How could such a foul creature come into existence?

 

  The two fought with expert skill. One heavy swing deflected the other, as the metal swords clashed they sent sparks flying into the stifling air. It was all or nothing for the mighty Hercules. Gripping his sword, he shouted his war cry and unleashed a strength no mortal man could posses. . .

 

 

 

 



¦ Author Spotlight ¦ Oscar Wilde

 

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”

 

Oscar Wilde

 

 

~ Juicy Character Snippets ~ The Plan

    

  • Continued •

  "Mother, I implore you," Winston's blood pressure was ready to burst like a tick. "Take this piece of paper to the witchy woman behind the counter. The office is suite 101. You can't miss it."

Marjorie sighed. Being dragged along in another Winston's tirades wasn't her idea of a good time.

   "What am I to say?" she asked.

   "You will must release a tear or two and in a very solemn voice will declare my unfortunate, unexpected, very tragic death."

   "Son, but you aren't dead." She said almost in question.

   "The vampires have sucked enough of my blood!" he shouted and waved the piece of paper in the air. "Have you seen the unsightly mole that has popped up in the wake of the study drug?"

He pointed to a purplish mole on his arm, it had a single black hair growing out of it. Marjorie eyed the dot with skepticism.

   "What if they ask for proof?" she asked and rubbed her head. A migraine started forming.

   "Don't worry over such trivial matters." Winston reached across his mother and heaved a hearty heave as he opened up the door to the car. "Out you go and into the depths of retribution." 

Marjorie dragged her legs out of the car and slowly made her way into the office building. Going over the words in her brain, she rehearsed what she was going to say. She clutched the paper as if it was Winston's thick neck. The nerve of him, putting her through this. The lady behind the desk, looked at the approaching, distraught Marjorie.

   "How can I help you?" she asked.

   "My son is dead!" Marjorie slapped the paper on the counter. Tears of embarrassment, shame, and failure streamed down her cheeks. "The study drugs killed him!"

People in the waiting room snapped their heads at the lady behind the counter. Wondering if they to would be given the lethal cocktail.

  "Ma'am, if you could come this way," the lady gestured for Marjorie to follow. "We will need some information from you, I'm so terribly sorry."

Marjorie thoughts of strangling her son returned.

  "I brought the paper," she said, and obediently followed behind the lady.

  "That's great, we will need that," she said, taking the paper. "Would you like some water?"

  "Oh, yes please," Marjorie smiled.

 

~ Shark Week ~

   When I was a little girl, I knew that one day I would be attacked by a shark, while swimming in a lake. Totally possible. We have all heard the urban legends of mysterious people dumping sharks, piranhas, stingrays, alligators, horses, old people, all into our local lakes. Well, here is an actual reporting.

Guntersville, Alabama, 2012, a shark was found dead at the Guntersville Lake boat landing. Story of the decomposing shark spread, creating quite the stir. Hoax stories circled around as fast as fish can swim. People all wanting to believe the long told urban legends.

Naturalists from the area tried to identify the shark but only could speculate, due to the advanced decomposition. Some think that it is a dead Bull Shark, that are known for having the ability to swim from saltwater to fresh. Others believe that it is a Fine Tooth Shark that was dumped by someone from the shark rodeo a week earlier.

Whatever the case maybe, it does make you think twice about jumping in a quiet, still, lake.

Happy Shark Week Everyone!

• Failure At 25 •

I remember reaching my 25th Birthday and being completely devastated. Not because of my age, long gone are the days of my teenage years. Thank goodness! But, because I had failed in a personal goal I had set for myself.

Dostoevsky had his first book published when he was 24 years old. Me, the ever competitive against famous dead people, had set out to do likewise. I tried. Oh, sweet mercy, did I try. I had finished the next great American novel. Oscar Wilde, my muse at the time, cheered me on as I deliciously weaved prose, words, and satire all in this masterpiece. This book was the unicorn that was going to take me to that glorious finish line.

Naivety got the better of me, I'm afraid. Oscar Wilde bid me farewell, as I was left to reality and the dreadful query letter.

I never reached my sought after goal. I failed. Dostoyevsky still was the reigning champion and I was left with an inbox of rejections. Well, said I, perhaps the public wants something else. If witty satire isn't the popular flavor, perhaps I should try something more gruesome.

Hello zombies!

I had dabbled with the idea of writing about zombies. But of course! How silly, death and carnage is what American's want! Move over Mr. Wilde, embrace me George Romero. I became a zombie writing fanatic. In my 25th year I had three published short stories.

Population: Zombie
YouTube: Punching Zombie
Big Game Hunting: A Zombie Short Story.

I laughed at my dead friend, Dostoyevsky. Take that! You may be the father of existentialism, but I am the mother of brain eating monsters.

George Romero and I waved goodbye to Dostoyevsky and Wilde. Toodle-oo! As we merrily skipped down the blood splattered road to publication.  



 

Enjoy Life

 

~ Juicy Character Snippets ~ Pill's Revenge

    • Continued •

    Over the course of a few months, our fat hero and his plans to get paid by doing nothing had become thwarted. Winston returned to the clinic twice a week with his sheet filled out with the words, "No improvement," written all over it. 

The doctor's conducting the single blind study became increasingly interested in our dear Winston. They steadily increased the drug's dosage, in determined thoughts that his weight ultimately played the part of blocking the drug's effect.

By keeping him longer each time, he had no choice but to swallow the wretched pills and keep them down. By the end of the third month, Winston was choking down enough pills to treat an elephant.

Sitting at his desk, pen in hand he contemplated what to write on his drug assessment sheet.
   
    "Bahhhh," he burped, and smacked his chest a couple of times as acid threatened its escape.

The constant stream of drugs had been disagreeing with his system. He found himself growing more sluggish and resorted to rolling around his room with his office chair. The wheels at this point had deeply abused the hardwood flooring. Giant circles of craved groves circled from his bed, to his desk, and looped to his bathroom, in a grotesque figure eight.

   "Bahhhh."

He burped again.

    "Insufferable!" he bellowed. The putrid smell of stomach acid seeped through his mouth.  "The Vampire doctors have had their last laughed! My quality of life has diminished!"

He rolled to the bathroom and refilled his water glass. He chugged it down like a hippo bathing its young.

He refilled.

   "I don't even need the money!" he cried, and wheeled madly to his desk.

The frowny faces mocked him. He grabbed the pen and clutched it against his chest, "I'll show them."

Writing in bold words, Winston wrote, "Cardiac heart failure." 

: Top 10 Favorite Books :

My love affair with books started when I was a young girl. Oh, the delicious literary heroes that paraded themselves in fiction. How dare they!

The mastery of language goes beyond rich syllable words. It is the telling of a story, a story that only the writer can tell. Here is a list of my top ten favorite books, in no particular order. These books truly have a story to tell.  

 

 

1. The Idiot, by Dostoevsky.

 

2. The Count of Monte Cristo, by Alexandre Dumas.

3. The Man Who Was Thursday, by G. K. Chesterton.

4. A Confederacy Of Dunces, by John Kennedy Toole. 

5. To Kill A Mockingbird, By Harper Lee.

6. Anna Karenina, by Leo Tolstoy.

7. The Picture Of Dorian Gray, by Oscar Wilde.

8. The Hobbit, by Tolkien.

9. A Tale Of Two Cities, by Charles Dickens.

10. The House Of Mirth, by Edith Wharton.

 

- Zombie Humor -

¦ Creature of the Day ¦ Wendigo

Wendigo- A demonic creature, believed by the Algonquian people, that has physically transformed from a human into a monster by the means of cannibalism.

~ Now for a literary snippet. ~

 

 

    Local reports of missing hunters had caused a hush to fall upon the village. School children sing the old songs of men turning into monsters, terrorizing one another. Little did they know, the truth behind those silly rhymes and the hidden danger that is hunting them.

 

   Deep in the forest, the wendigo clawed out of its dark cave. Smelling of rotten flesh, the foul creature felt the strength of the freshly consumed victims fill his body. The unquenched hunger for human flesh returned, consuming the monster. He needed more, always more. Breaking into a run he slashed at trees, savagely. Saliva dripped from his sharp teeth, as the craving grew into a maddening frenzy.