Friday, December 18, 2020
Friday, December 4, 2020
Smells Like RANCH DRESSING--- the New Teen Spirit
Ranch Dressing...
Have you ever googled Ranch Dressing? Perhaps I should back up and start off my tale from the beginning.
My jacket smelled like Ranch Dressing. All day whiffs of hidden valley haunted me. Carpool, *sniff, sniff,* What IS that smell? RANCH. Is that Ranch??
I smell like
R
A
N
C
H
Dressing?
The aroma was so faint and yet, highly accurate. All day long I was smelling Ranch Dressing. I was disgusted and yet equally intrigued. What kind of strange voodoo is this?
After the day had come and shoveled out the various amounts of hell of parenthood and it's daily battles on me.. I found myself wrecked and relaxing in bed. Oh, blissful time that I cherish. I luuurv my bed.
The smell of Ranch Dressing had left but the annoyance of smelling it all day hadn't. Phone, quickly, on the double.
GOOGLE:
Why
do I
SMELL
like
RANCH Dressing?
The wise Buddha that has answers for everything replied and here were the results. My screen shots. #cheese 📸
Ranch Dressing Sucks and I'm Not Sorry. Clearly.
Ranch Dressing is not Good and Never will be. Is this source reliable?
7 Reasons Why you should NEVER eat Ranch Dressing. Okay, okay, let's not be too judgmental you stuck-up condiment twats.
10 Weird Facts You didn't Know about Ranch Dressing. On a scale from 1-10 how weird we talking about..... cause, I can get pretty damn weird.
Something Smells like Ranch Dressing and It's Driving me INSANE. I can relate.
Ranch Dressing is What's WRONG with America- The Washington Post. Oh, SNAP.
A Sophomore Reveals Unusual Phobia on Ranch Dressing. The hell?
Apparently, there are MANY people who don't just hate Ranch Dressing... they are PASSIONATE about hating it. Give me fire or give me death... but do not give me Ranch Dressing. 🗡
Why all the hate? 🤔
I've dipped tons of flavorless food in Ranch Dressing in order to choke it down.
Cold, stale pizza....
D
U
N
K..... mmmmm, much better.
Jewish food..... pass the Ranch Dressing, pleeeeease.
If anything Ranch Dressing is what makes being an American great. Okay, it's kinda tacky when the bottle is placed on a dinner table that has been set nicely. But, WE ALL thank the person who puts it there. 🙏
The Hidden Valley of yumminess. That flavorful, pungent zing, with that unmistakable tang... what a dressing it is. King of Dressings.... Maybe even SUPREME RULER OF DRESSINGS. Nah.
Ranch is also the gateway condiment into getting children to eat their vegetables.
"I'll put a whole dollop on your plate if you eat your broccoli.... JUST eat your broccoli."
Is Ranch Dressing really what's wrong with America? Will knowing those 10 weird facts prove that? Maybe.
If Fear Factor had all the contestants gargle down Ranch Dressing by the gallons as a challenge... would they be horrified and refuse to participate? What is the moral limit of Ranch Dressing? We need to know. There is a Sophomore that is having an existential crisis over this. Will somebody please THINK of the CHILDREN?!?!?
Hell if I know. I like the stuff.... but I wouldn't marry it. It's Ranch, you twat.
I never did figure out why my jacket smelled like Ranch Dressing.... and from the internet searches... that's the least of my worries. 10 weird facts have proven that.
#RanchDressing #FabulousCandace #SmellLikeRanchDressing #RanchDressingHate
🥗😋
Saturday, November 28, 2020
PieCAKEN- the strategic planning, plotting, and devouring of it. #StomachDictatorship
BEHOLD my fellow foodies... I come to you as an enlightened being. This past Thanksgiving and Friendsgiving, I sought out to create the TURDUCKEN of all desserts.
The PieCAKEN. 😱
Sweatpants wouldn't have prepared me for the MEGA feast of sugar, carbs, fat, and fabulous that I was going to chow down on.
I didn't just partake of the decadently rich cake/pie abomination. Oh, no, I baked it. I labored away, one mad scientist to another. Layering, building, laughing insanely, I constructed this sugary confection with wild and gleeful eyes.
Once the frosted monolith was erected... it weighed 15 pounds. ⚖
My tummy grumbled.
FEED me Seymore FEED me.
The bottomless pit of gastrointestinal demands wouldn't be happy with just a slice. One can't simply have just a slice of destruction.
I sliced and served myself, a WEDGE of DESTRUCTION. #mauhahahahah
Cutting through all the layers, the knife trembled.
"Oh, dear lord, think of the calories," my thighs screamed to my irrational gut.
"Silence," roared stomach. "This doesn't concern you."
Delirium swept over my taste buds. They didn't just eat it. They ATTACKED it.
They had been championing with stomach all along. Booth in culinary cohorts with one another, they masticated their way into sweet, sweet, nirvana.
The collateral was amazing. Never had one experienced the flavors of apple pie filling, cinnamon cake, pumpkin pie, and pecan pie all in one.
Stomach laughed in hysterics, "I want MORE."
Brain, thoroughly disgusted with the actions of mouth and stomach went on vacation. Good riddance you 'ol twat.
My body wage war for the next couple of days over the poor decisions of stomach and mouth. Colon finally chimed in and that put an end to it.
So entirely worth it. #yummmmm
PieCAKEN has now become a forever Thanksgiving MUST have. I encourage everyone to build their own tower of absolute nonsense and savor every yummy bite.
#piecaken #foodies #piecakepiecake #FaublousCandace
💖😋
Tuesday, November 24, 2020
Sunday, November 15, 2020
Blake Shelton Sucks: A tale of Keto SWINDLERS
People Magazine featured an article where Blake Shelton was horn tooting that he lost 40 lbs. by using Keto pills.
A diet pill that cohost Kelly Clarkson from The Voice, recommended to her chubby-growing country singer friend, Blakey.
Blake due to coronie season had started drinking more and more and cramming his pie hole with snacks. In needing to take his health serious, he turned to Keto.
Oh, the magic and glory of these pills. Not only did they work for Kelly, but they are offering a free bottle. All you pay for is shipping.
Blake jumped on the bandwagon of slimming promises and beamed brightly when the pills started working. Not only did they work, but one doesn't even need to change their diet. What luck.
The article had a link of the magic company, that Blake shined and shouted for.
Free pills. Only pay for shipping. Lose weight. No need to change one's diet. Heck yes. Order those unicorn pills. Done.
They came.
Starting weight.... I won't post that. However, I did brave the scale and scream.
1st week... lost 3 pounds.
2nd week... gained those pounds back.
3rd week... lost 3 pounds.
4th week... nothing changed.
It had dawned on me that weighing myself first thing in the morning, is ideal with an empty stomach. I weigh less. I also learned that if I weigh myself not only in the morning but after a mighty colon cleanse... I do indeed weigh less. 😁
The pills did nothing. My weight increase and decrease are my normal body habits. Dash it all.
The first of the month rolls around and the Keto company that gave me a bottle of broken promises, charged my account. Not only did they charge me a RIDICULOUS amount but they bent me over and stuck it to me. #DeathtoKETO
Ooooooh, hell no.
Blake Shelton, that country singing twat lied to me. These Keto pills are spawned by the same sick folks that actually listen to country music. They take your money and deliver on good faith pure and utter bullshit. #BLAKESUCKSASS
People Magazine had taken down the article of Blake Shelton tap dancing like a dipshit for the Keto pills. The company that swindled hundreds of dollars from people have vanished.
I filed a claim with my bank of the fraudulent charges. I didn't stop there. Oh, no. I wrote to People Magazine.
As a PISSED CONSUMER I filed a report about the article. My words like little daggers of truth. Yes, little daggers of non-lost-fat-pounds flung at People Magazine. 🗡
The face of these blackened lies. The face of my dark misfortune, Blake. His perfect smile, mocked my vulnerability in believing that maybe there are magic pills that make one lose weight while still eating beloved foods. 🍕🥮🧉
No. These aren't those pills. These are the pills that will make you definitely lose. You'll lose your money. You'll lose your dignity. You'll absolutely lose any kind of love towards country music and that git Blake Shelton.
I know one thing, Mama Oprah wouldn't stand for this. No sir.
Right now, there is another article where Blake is championing another weight loss pony. Foreskins. 😂
Okay, okay, he hasn't been shoveling down foreskins as a weight loss routine. Oh, the delicious hilarity. The weight loss product is called Forskolin. Close enough, right?
In reading this second online article, it gives the same promises as the Keto pills. The article even has a link to give their product a whirl. DO NOT DO IT.
USE CODE “BLAKE20”
To Save 20% OFF your bottle of Forskolin!
Tsk, tsk, tsk. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice... shame on you again. #BlakeEATSFORESKINS
Be on the lookout for Keto pills and Foreskin pills, Forskolin pills. Those bottles are filled with little white pills and they are all giving you the finger.
#GiveTheFingerBack #BlakeSheltonSucksAss #PeopleMagazineSuckABigOne #FabulousCandace
#KetoCrooks #KetoPill💊
Saturday, November 7, 2020
Unbeautiful World color it with Happiness
"A pedestal may be a very unreal thing. A pillory is a terrific reality. They should have known also how to interpret sorrow better. I have said that behind Sorrow there is always Sorrow. It were still wiser to say that behind sorrow there is always a soul. And to mock at a soul in pain is a dreadful thing. Unbeautiful are their lives who do it." Oscar Wilde
The word Unbeautiful strikes my heart. Our World that is full of splendor and radiance has become stained with the crimson color of hate.
To this I grab my paintbrush. Do not worry World, I won't let you stay dingy and sport premature wrinkles. #yuck.
Dip into my bucket of Hope. A brilliant yellow color that I splash happily on rocks of sadness.
I follow this color up with Imagine. A cheeky tangerine color that sparkles in the darkest hues of humanity.
The World is not quite right yet. My paint pallet has Love, Compassion, and Friendship. Such a dazzling color, Friendship is. I use this turquoise color most freely to cover the sooty loathsome stains of Ignorance.
Highlight the World with a glittery glow of Unity. This gold colorant shines most brightly. I open an extra bottle of Unity and continue to blend, blend, blend.
Who's this? Bob Ross has grabbed his paintbrush too. Already dipped in Optimism, a vibrant lime green color. He joins me in chasing away the sorrow and replaces it with the happiest trees one has ever seen.
The World, my darling project is coming along now. It's beautiful, I can see it.
There are still more colors that need to be added. More paintbrushes with hands to hold them, in painting the World anew. Please join me. It's much better to paint with a Friend when changing the World.
#FabulousCandace #WorldProject #Love #Friendship #Unity #Hope #Imagine #Optimism #MorePaintNeed #GrabABrush
💙💚💛💜
Tuesday, November 3, 2020
Killing Your Albatross
Day after day, day after day,
We stuck, nor breath nor motion;
As idle as a painted ship
Upon a painted ocean.
A line from one of my favorite poems, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner by Samuel Taylor Coleridge.
In the poem we learn about the ill fate of the captain and his crew as a result from the captain killing the giant sea bird. The Albatross.
Superstitions and sea lore are intrinsic to one another. The Greeks and Romans believed that sirens would lure sailors to their deaths by their sweet, hypnotizing, serenades.
The popular phrase, red sky at night, sailors delight; red sky in morning, sailors take warning, comes with either a delight or a demise.
Even whistling was considered bad luck, sailors believed that it could change the very wind the ship sailed on.
The Albatross, a mighty oceanic fowl with a 10 foot wingspan was an omen to sailors. Bad luck or good luck, it held terrible chaos in it's wings.
Why then, did the captain of the poem shoot the winged auspice?
Do all humans kill what we love? In the chambers of our secret heart, the Japanese refer to it as one's third face. This shadowy aspect of ourselves that we hide from everyone, is it there that we find our chilling truth?
A truth that what we love we kill. Self sabotage. Thinking that we aren't good enough. Imposters. Fake. We don't deserve unsolicited treasures and we must snuff it out.
Or is this icy revelation deeper than that? Entwined with our very centers a vine that clutches and then chokes. Whispering all the while in our hearts . . . lies.
I don't know why we sometimes self sabotage to the fate of our own happiness. The captain wore the dead bird around his neck. If we could only sport our equally damning mistakes. Would we learn?
Achilles, the greatest of all warriors, had one fatal flaw. His heel. The region of his mortality is more symbolic than his weak ankles. Dante highlighted the deathly arrow in his Inferno. Seen in Hell's second circle is Achilles. That circle is Lust.
Lust is a powerful force, but is it the marksman of the crossbow that shot the Albatross? Or better yet, is Lust the marksman that inevitably kills us . . . are we not our own Albatross?
'Is it he?' quoth one, 'Is this the man?
By him who died on cross,
With his cruel bow he laid full low
The harmless Albatross.
#Albatross #Omens #FabulousCandace #Killingyouralbatross #SelfSabotage 🤔
Monday, November 2, 2020
My Darling Stories #FabulousCandace
#FabulousCandace #HorrorShortStories #Zombie #Vampire #Ghost 🧟🧛👻
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