Friday, December 18, 2020
Friday, December 4, 2020
Smells Like RANCH DRESSING--- the New Teen Spirit
Ranch Dressing...
Have you ever googled Ranch Dressing? Perhaps I should back up and start off my tale from the beginning.
My jacket smelled like Ranch Dressing. All day whiffs of hidden valley haunted me. Carpool, *sniff, sniff,* What IS that smell? RANCH. Is that Ranch??
I smell like
R
A
N
C
H
Dressing?
The aroma was so faint and yet, highly accurate. All day long I was smelling Ranch Dressing. I was disgusted and yet equally intrigued. What kind of strange voodoo is this?
After the day had come and shoveled out the various amounts of hell of parenthood and it's daily battles on me.. I found myself wrecked and relaxing in bed. Oh, blissful time that I cherish. I luuurv my bed.
The smell of Ranch Dressing had left but the annoyance of smelling it all day hadn't. Phone, quickly, on the double.
GOOGLE:
Why
do I
SMELL
like
RANCH Dressing?
The wise Buddha that has answers for everything replied and here were the results. My screen shots. #cheese 📸
Ranch Dressing Sucks and I'm Not Sorry. Clearly.
Ranch Dressing is not Good and Never will be. Is this source reliable?
7 Reasons Why you should NEVER eat Ranch Dressing. Okay, okay, let's not be too judgmental you stuck-up condiment twats.
10 Weird Facts You didn't Know about Ranch Dressing. On a scale from 1-10 how weird we talking about..... cause, I can get pretty damn weird.
Something Smells like Ranch Dressing and It's Driving me INSANE. I can relate.
Ranch Dressing is What's WRONG with America- The Washington Post. Oh, SNAP.
A Sophomore Reveals Unusual Phobia on Ranch Dressing. The hell?
Apparently, there are MANY people who don't just hate Ranch Dressing... they are PASSIONATE about hating it. Give me fire or give me death... but do not give me Ranch Dressing. 🗡
Why all the hate? 🤔
I've dipped tons of flavorless food in Ranch Dressing in order to choke it down.
Cold, stale pizza....
D
U
N
K..... mmmmm, much better.
Jewish food..... pass the Ranch Dressing, pleeeeease.
If anything Ranch Dressing is what makes being an American great. Okay, it's kinda tacky when the bottle is placed on a dinner table that has been set nicely. But, WE ALL thank the person who puts it there. 🙏
The Hidden Valley of yumminess. That flavorful, pungent zing, with that unmistakable tang... what a dressing it is. King of Dressings.... Maybe even SUPREME RULER OF DRESSINGS. Nah.
Ranch is also the gateway condiment into getting children to eat their vegetables.
"I'll put a whole dollop on your plate if you eat your broccoli.... JUST eat your broccoli."
Is Ranch Dressing really what's wrong with America? Will knowing those 10 weird facts prove that? Maybe.
If Fear Factor had all the contestants gargle down Ranch Dressing by the gallons as a challenge... would they be horrified and refuse to participate? What is the moral limit of Ranch Dressing? We need to know. There is a Sophomore that is having an existential crisis over this. Will somebody please THINK of the CHILDREN?!?!?
Hell if I know. I like the stuff.... but I wouldn't marry it. It's Ranch, you twat.
I never did figure out why my jacket smelled like Ranch Dressing.... and from the internet searches... that's the least of my worries. 10 weird facts have proven that.
#RanchDressing #FabulousCandace #SmellLikeRanchDressing #RanchDressingHate
🥗😋
Saturday, November 28, 2020
PieCAKEN- the strategic planning, plotting, and devouring of it. #StomachDictatorship
BEHOLD my fellow foodies... I come to you as an enlightened being. This past Thanksgiving and Friendsgiving, I sought out to create the TURDUCKEN of all desserts.
The PieCAKEN. 😱
Sweatpants wouldn't have prepared me for the MEGA feast of sugar, carbs, fat, and fabulous that I was going to chow down on.
I didn't just partake of the decadently rich cake/pie abomination. Oh, no, I baked it. I labored away, one mad scientist to another. Layering, building, laughing insanely, I constructed this sugary confection with wild and gleeful eyes.
Once the frosted monolith was erected... it weighed 15 pounds. ⚖
My tummy grumbled.
FEED me Seymore FEED me.
The bottomless pit of gastrointestinal demands wouldn't be happy with just a slice. One can't simply have just a slice of destruction.
I sliced and served myself, a WEDGE of DESTRUCTION. #mauhahahahah
Cutting through all the layers, the knife trembled.
"Oh, dear lord, think of the calories," my thighs screamed to my irrational gut.
"Silence," roared stomach. "This doesn't concern you."
Delirium swept over my taste buds. They didn't just eat it. They ATTACKED it.
They had been championing with stomach all along. Booth in culinary cohorts with one another, they masticated their way into sweet, sweet, nirvana.
The collateral was amazing. Never had one experienced the flavors of apple pie filling, cinnamon cake, pumpkin pie, and pecan pie all in one.
Stomach laughed in hysterics, "I want MORE."
Brain, thoroughly disgusted with the actions of mouth and stomach went on vacation. Good riddance you 'ol twat.
My body wage war for the next couple of days over the poor decisions of stomach and mouth. Colon finally chimed in and that put an end to it.
So entirely worth it. #yummmmm
PieCAKEN has now become a forever Thanksgiving MUST have. I encourage everyone to build their own tower of absolute nonsense and savor every yummy bite.
#piecaken #foodies #piecakepiecake #FaublousCandace
💖😋
Tuesday, November 24, 2020
Sunday, November 15, 2020
Blake Shelton Sucks: A tale of Keto SWINDLERS
People Magazine featured an article where Blake Shelton was horn tooting that he lost 40 lbs. by using Keto pills.
A diet pill that cohost Kelly Clarkson from The Voice, recommended to her chubby-growing country singer friend, Blakey.
Blake due to coronie season had started drinking more and more and cramming his pie hole with snacks. In needing to take his health serious, he turned to Keto.
Oh, the magic and glory of these pills. Not only did they work for Kelly, but they are offering a free bottle. All you pay for is shipping.
Blake jumped on the bandwagon of slimming promises and beamed brightly when the pills started working. Not only did they work, but one doesn't even need to change their diet. What luck.
The article had a link of the magic company, that Blake shined and shouted for.
Free pills. Only pay for shipping. Lose weight. No need to change one's diet. Heck yes. Order those unicorn pills. Done.
They came.
Starting weight.... I won't post that. However, I did brave the scale and scream.
1st week... lost 3 pounds.
2nd week... gained those pounds back.
3rd week... lost 3 pounds.
4th week... nothing changed.
It had dawned on me that weighing myself first thing in the morning, is ideal with an empty stomach. I weigh less. I also learned that if I weigh myself not only in the morning but after a mighty colon cleanse... I do indeed weigh less. 😁
The pills did nothing. My weight increase and decrease are my normal body habits. Dash it all.
The first of the month rolls around and the Keto company that gave me a bottle of broken promises, charged my account. Not only did they charge me a RIDICULOUS amount but they bent me over and stuck it to me. #DeathtoKETO
Ooooooh, hell no.
Blake Shelton, that country singing twat lied to me. These Keto pills are spawned by the same sick folks that actually listen to country music. They take your money and deliver on good faith pure and utter bullshit. #BLAKESUCKSASS
People Magazine had taken down the article of Blake Shelton tap dancing like a dipshit for the Keto pills. The company that swindled hundreds of dollars from people have vanished.
I filed a claim with my bank of the fraudulent charges. I didn't stop there. Oh, no. I wrote to People Magazine.
As a PISSED CONSUMER I filed a report about the article. My words like little daggers of truth. Yes, little daggers of non-lost-fat-pounds flung at People Magazine. 🗡
The face of these blackened lies. The face of my dark misfortune, Blake. His perfect smile, mocked my vulnerability in believing that maybe there are magic pills that make one lose weight while still eating beloved foods. 🍕🥮🧉
No. These aren't those pills. These are the pills that will make you definitely lose. You'll lose your money. You'll lose your dignity. You'll absolutely lose any kind of love towards country music and that git Blake Shelton.
I know one thing, Mama Oprah wouldn't stand for this. No sir.
Right now, there is another article where Blake is championing another weight loss pony. Foreskins. 😂
Okay, okay, he hasn't been shoveling down foreskins as a weight loss routine. Oh, the delicious hilarity. The weight loss product is called Forskolin. Close enough, right?
In reading this second online article, it gives the same promises as the Keto pills. The article even has a link to give their product a whirl. DO NOT DO IT.
USE CODE “BLAKE20”
To Save 20% OFF your bottle of Forskolin!
Tsk, tsk, tsk. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice... shame on you again. #BlakeEATSFORESKINS
Be on the lookout for Keto pills and Foreskin pills, Forskolin pills. Those bottles are filled with little white pills and they are all giving you the finger.
#GiveTheFingerBack #BlakeSheltonSucksAss #PeopleMagazineSuckABigOne #FabulousCandace
#KetoCrooks #KetoPill💊
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